10 Things My Oncologist Will Never Say

As per usual, I have to see my oncologist tomorrow. She always asks me about my energy level, any unexpected weight loss and any new bone pain.

While  she does her exam, she often makes small talk. I never know if this is to distract me or just to make things more interesting for her. I’ve already covered  the Top 10 Things I’d Like to Say to My Oncologist.  So it’s only fair to consider the doctor’s side of things:

10 Things My Oncologist Will Never Say

10. Frankly, I’m stumped. With your permission, I’d like to call in that noted cancer specialist Suzanne Somers.

9.  Sorry to keep you waiting. I was updating my Facebook page.

8. Just as you have long suspected, there is actually no pharmacy or pharmacist on site at this hospital. The reason it takes so long is that we actually go to Canada to buy your drugs so we can pocket the savings.

7. Sucks to be you!

6. When we’re finished here, my fellow and I are going to play H-O-R-S-E behind the parking garage. Care to join us?

5. Radiology and Pathology  sent over these flowers and an apology. You don’t actually have cancer. So today’s visit is on the house.

4. Ringo is my favorite Beatle.

3. Hey, perfect checkup! Stop by the receptionist’s desk and she’ll give you a coupon for a free ice cream cone.

2. I’m just temping here until I can get a full-time hostess position at The Olive Garden.

1. Turn your head and cough.

–Katherine O’Brien
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10 thoughts on “10 Things My Oncologist Will Never Say

  1. And Number 11? You’re cured!

  2. Ringo is my favorite Beatle. Except maybe for JL and JH. Love “It Don’t Come Easy.”

  3. Jeff Keeler says:

    Since I know how financially difficult cancer can be, this visit is free.

  4. Hi
    Thanks for sending me the link! I haven’t read over your blog so I don’t know all about your story, but seeing an oncologist can never be a fun experience I’d guess.

    You saw that we were blogging about empathy. What would it mean to you for your oncologist to have empathy for your situation? Or would you rather that there wasn’t much small talk or any talk and she just got things sorted?

    And on the other side, would you show any of the people helping you manage this condition your blog? Or is it just your own private (public!) space.

    Thanks again

  5. nancyspoint says:

    When I go to appts, I always kinda wonder what the doctors are really thinking… probably better not to know. And that small talk… sometimes I could sure do without it, but then there would be that awkward silence…

    This is quite the list. And seriously, good luck at your appt.

  6. Suzanne says:

    You’re tired? I was up until 1 am catching up on my DVRing of the Real Housewives!!
    No changes on the most recent scan! WINNING!

  7. latasha says:

    How about a free co-pay on any referrals you make… 🙂

  8. k8 says:

    Now that’s funny…………


  9. Kathi says:

    There’s this new chemo drug that makes your hair grow long & lustrous and comes with a free coupon for a spa day. It still makes you nauseous, but you can’t have everything.

  10. This posting is hilarious. I love your blog and am including it in my blogroll.

    OK, here’s another thing your oncologist won’t say: “I’m not a doctor, but I play one on TV.”

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